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Shorts

Random thoughts that came into my head – publisher just asked me who I’d met worth writing about. Honestly, the 20 most interesting, rewarding, attractive and worthwhile people are people you’ve never heard of. However …

In no particular order and not exhaustive … here’s what I sent…

Keith Richards – played guitar at my wedding. Lovely, tall, normal, funny, generous.

Mick Jagger – small, shy, fit, bright, serious. Likes being Mick Jagger. Probably always did. Said he’d show up to my wedding, but didn’t.

David Bowie – small, small voice, dead normal bloke, totally different from stage persona, friendly. Noticeably yellow teeth. Sat on my sofa playing guitar with his feet on Bianca’s lap. She didn’t seem to notice.

Anita Pallenberg – alluring, motherly, funny, kind. A challenging person to be shown round a bedroom by. I wasn’t’ sure if she wanted to take me to bed or shoot me. Probably neither.

Sade – normal, shy, hilarious, hard worker, vulnerable.

Bianca Jagger – highly intelligent, easily bored.

Charlie Watts – bored. Has been that way for 50 years. Rang up at five in the morning: “Find me a cab.” “Sure Charlie, where are you?” “I don’t f…ing know, do I?”

Bill Wyman – lascivious, likes an easy life, small.

Jimmy Page – dead normal musician bloke, easy going, relaxed. Unnerving because he’s Jimmy.

Roman Polanski –A bit haunted, very sexy without trying, boyish but scary, which is an odd combo.

Jeff Beck – small, shy, rather abrupt,small hands.

Herbie Hancock – a gent, polite, humble, thoughtful, one of the good guys.

BB King – pragmatic, bulky, charming, determined. Likes money.

Eric Clapton – modest, hard worker, total charmer when women are around him

Sting – default very up himself, but then thinks better of it.

Madonna – very approachable, nice to people she works with, shy, a little sad often. Brickies hands. Odd. Must be the working out.

George Lucas – painfully, painfully shy. Recluse. Hated me cos I criticised his studio. Bye George.

Ryan O’Neal – Sat there looking gorgeous. Nothing to say whatsoever. Amazing hairdo.

Francoise Hardy – incredibly attractive. Very shy and lacking in confidence. Wears black and lives in an entirely black flat. A poser. Insisted on having all conversations on her bed – as did Rickie Lee Jones – must be a girl thing?

Juliette Greco – tells endless amazing stories about Miles Davis and how she ‘didn’t know he was black’ . Nothing else.

Catherine Deneuve – painfully shy. Can’t sing. Tendency to tantrums. No, that doesn’t even start to cover it!

Brigitte Bardot – the most beautiful 30-year-old human I ever saw in the flesh. No idea what she’s like as I had this insane humming in my head, cold teeth, dry mouth  and no circulation beyond my chest…

Nathalie Delon – sex on two legs from laugh to smile to … er …well,  you know – all that stuff you can’t say in 2021.

Alain Delon – nothing to say except “I’m Alain Delon”. “Yep, we can see that, ok Alain. You look great Alain.”

Malcolm McLaren – very kind to his girlfriend and to me. Horrid to everyone else. Very passionate about art and culture.

Michelle Pfeiffer – absolutely totally lovely, warm, normal. Take me home PLEASE Michelle.

Sharon Stone – the opposite – but so so so fit!

David Gilmour – very well mannered and precise.

Shirley Bassey – I don’t have a good word to say about this dame and I don’t approve of people who don’t pay taxes here and get gongs. I always dropped the B when speaking to her or about her. Mind you, I’m pretty sure she has a Robin Millar voodoo doll by her bed, covered in pins.

Wayne Shorter – Wayne Wayne Wayne, really mate – don’t meet your heroes.

Grace Jones – smaller than you’d think, feminine and sexy. Nice when she isn’t thinking about being not nice.

Chaka Khan – the real deal head to toe. Artist, diva, performer. Force of nature. Very very alluring.

Kate Bush – tricky. Quite formal. Hugely professional. Less interesting than you’d hope.

Bob Geldof – very large man in every way.

Aretha – made me want to curl up at her feet and call her Miss Franklin

Emmylou Harris – I think I may have curled up at her feet when drunk and called her pussy – or worse.

Cat Stevens – mischievous, caring, handsome. Not as serious as you’d think

Mick Hucknell – unbelievably professional. Unbelievably musical. I’d love to know where he gets this bad boy image from. I don’t see it.

Chrissie Hynde – grrr – from adorable to bizarre in 10 seconds – but joyously, abundantly vulgar and tempting.

Alison Moyet – totally charming, hyper-intelligent. Very beautiful.

Isaac Hayes- you just couldn’t take him seriously. Like a guy trying to impersonate Isaac Hayes.

Lindsey Buckingham – a very bulky man wishing he were even more famous.

Stevie Nicks – what a diva! I wanted to curl up at her feet, but there was a queue a mile long.

Paul McCartney – bloke from Liverpool who wrote a bunch of tunes and got famous. He doesn’t care a jot about that.

Carlos Santana – very humble. Actually, over humble to the point of “you know, shut up Carlos please. Enough of the humble already”

Bob Dylan – practical joker of the cruel kind. A big disappointment.

Bill Clinton – just a total music nut. Hard to believe he even got into politics, let alone got to the top. Good geezer.

Bryan Ferry, Bryan Adams – interchangeable nice shy handsome. Make you feel awkward sitting next to them without meaning to. Very handsome people are offputting close up.

Jack Nicholson – squat, sardonic, has no intention of remembering who you are.

Tony Blair – never had any fun, even as a young man when the rest of us were playing poker and getting drunk on whisky sours. Not Tony.

Richard Branson – total charmer. Trees devoid of birds in his wake.

George Harrison – small, lovely, but I could never find anything to talk to George about, which seems astonishing looking back.

Michael Jackson – nice, polite, mild mannered. Nice sense of humour. Remembers you. Makes me sad now to listen to his music.