Nearly Famous

I have famous friends. Well, according to the receptionist at a London hotel last week, at least one friend who is “quite famous”. When I asked for my friend’s room by name “did you know he’s quite famous?”

“No I didn’t know that” says I. “What’s quite famous? How famous is that? Is it relative to another famous person? Or relative to, say, the Taj Mahal or Weetabix? He’s probably not as famous as either of those.”

But there are definitely loads of people who know who my friend is who don’t know what Weetabix is. He’s famous all over the world, whereas Weetabix is only famous … er … where people can buy Weetabix. Well, at least, his songs are famous all over the world. But he was in a band … and the band are more famous than he is … well they were more famous. They broke up years ago. Does that mean they were famous or they are famous?

I don’t watch much prime time TV and I don’t look at the Daily Mail or The Sun. Well that’s not true. Occasionally I do both of those things if I’m bored or stuck somewhere. Because of this I do see Strictly or Celebrity Masterchef or I’m A Celebrity sometimes. But I don’t know who anyone is. No one. None of them.

I’m living in a parallel universe where famous people include David Attenborough, David Cameron, Obama, Sting, that Russian tennis player who makes all the noise and takes lots of cold remedies and says “for sure” all the time and the other older tennis player who was gay … well I think still is gay but isn’t a tennis player so she is gay and was a tennis player and she seems nice now but didn’t seem so nice then but I think that’s because she started beating Chrissie Evert. I tend to remember pretty women. That makes me sexist.

Anyway all the people on Graham Norton and Strictly … who are they? What do they do the rest of the time? Do they get paid? Why? A lot of them seem really dumb.