So I am the strident voice of the pasty Brexiteer. The suspicious little Briton peering from behind my Union Jack – no! My St George’s flag – those Welsh Scottish and Irish bastards might as well be Belgian.

I am watching Eurovision. What are absurd Australians balancing on spindles singing bad operetta doing in this competition? This is the thin end of the wedge of Gruyere. Next stop Cambodia will be part of Europe. We’re getting out just in time.

And if anyone thought we don’t need to have buddies around the Euroglobe, just spend four f***ing hours watching and listening to the overweaining, crude, tasteless ambition of the Maltese jury rep , the Croatian jury rep, the Slovenian rep – hell they didn’t even get into the final! What are they yelling and pouting and strutting about? They didn’t even get into the bloody final. Their 15 seconds of fame. What do they think is going to happen for God’s sake? They manage to wear a preposterous Marie Antoinette frock and yodel two lines from an Abba song before giving their douze points … do they think an international Svengali is going to watch the show and say to his PA, kneeling between his legs, ‘Hey, that Austrian bird is great! Sign her up to our next Golden Globe awards!’

If you didn’t or don’t watch Eurovision this means nothing to you and well done.

If you didn’t and don’t watch Eurovision you won’t know the UK came last. Yep. last.

It wasn’t the worst song. It wasn’t even the tenth worst song by any stretch of the imagination.

Norway was shyt. Germany was scheisse, Israel, the hosts, were utter shyt.

Our guy even performed pretty well.

But we came last. LAST!!!! Out of 41! LAST!!!!

I’m a British music maker. Have been for 40 years. we came f***ing last!!!

No one in the whole Brexit debate has stopped to really articulate what this attitude, this pathetic, never ending abrogation of responsible government looks like from across the channel.

We think it’s all about Teresa and Boris and Jeremy and Michael – it’s not. It’s about the complete collapse of our reputation around the world. The embarrassing, humiliating failure of government. The self serving ambition of useless elected time wasters, taking our money and buying cars and houses and private education with it and then portraying us as Xenophobic, surly, nasty, unwelcoming impotent little Englanders.

We went into a competition. A true leveller. On TV. Watched by 200 million Europeans. Against Icelandic death metal, a ballerina, a woman singing a funeral song in Serbian, a Norwegian singing like she was balancing on a mule in 1954 with a photo of Doris Day on her breast – we came LAST!!!!

Last. That’s what they think of us.

Nul points.