I got out of bed ten minutes ago… absolutely amazed and shivering over the most vivid of dreams. Nothing like it for years. A lovely frightening erotic dream so real it continues to challenge me to say ‘you are a fantasy’.
I ran to my keyboard and wrote it down in every detail I could…there’s no way I ever want to forget this dream even though it’s sad in many ways.
Only once in a blue moon do you have a dream so real so utterly completely real that you can feel it taste it smell it touch it. A dream so real that when you wake up it does not fade it does not falter and become obscure and it challenges you to say ‘you are not real’.
I am in paris with two old friends from school. Both boys now men. Both in black leather short jackets like the one I bought with you on Kings Road. Zipped up all the way to the neck against the rain. I feel cold. I feel the rain against my cheek and watch the wiper blades struggle.
Somehow we find ourselves stuck on the inside of a roundabout with 5 lanes of mad traffic between us and the pavement. A small kerb but railings preventing us getting off the road. Very scary and the two boys leave me and disappear. I am really frightened especially looking at some of the drivers faces as they head towards me.
Then two quite old very tall and burly French cops in peaked caps walk straight through the traffic to me. Grey hair curling at the pink neck; small round silver framed glasses and heavy black coats rough to the touch. oneis just at the point of getting angry when I blurt out ‘je suis non voyant’. Without a word he tucks my hand into his arm and walks me across to the pavement. I can feel the harsh fibres of his coat on my fingers and I smell the wet woollen smell. I feel very small and young and vulnerable.
We stand under an awning as he looks out into the rain and asks if my friends are coming. ‘I’m sure they will come back for me’. He leaves.
Then it is dark and I am with you on the wet paris street. My arm in your arm. You are in a soft coat with a big furry black collar. The coat is red. I can smell your damp hair.
I feel wonderful. You always look out for me, you never let me walk into anything, I am always safe with you and yet I feel strong.
As we walk you are sort of snuggling your head up to me. we have both obviously drunk a lot. I say ‘are we going to your place or mine?’ I’m not saying this provocatively. I’m thinking about how I’m going to get home alone and looking out at the dark shiny streets. This is what dreams can do. As a child I could see in the daytime but not at night. At night I could see reflections, street lights and things lit up clearly by the lights, but black was black and getting around was difficult. Here in this dream I can see what I would have seen age 17 and I feel the nervousness of setting out alone at night.
You say ‘well I absolutely have to lie down. I mean right now…and if we go to your place I will have to sit up in a chair’. So we sort of stumble down a street and you are laughing. ‘shall I come up’ I say. You look up at me and I can see your face so so clearly it is wonderful. Hair messed up by the rain. A lovely smile and dancing eyes. ‘well if you come up to mine I’ll be so so happy and I feel so kind of sexy and I’d really love you to come up’
We almost crawl up a very narrow carpeted dim staircase. Then we are in your apartment. Everything is low. Low tables with low lamps.Cushions on the floor.Quite dark. A low crimson sort of bed cum Moroccan couch, covered in heavy velvet, over to the side.
You take off all your clothes and lie face down on the bed.You look so small and perfect. ‘Come on Rob’ What a lovely voice.
I come across and sit on the bed.I feel your small bottom in both my hands and you make lovely little murmering noises as you push your bum up a bit towards my hand.
Then the dream becomes very confused with the lesbian scene from the black swan. Very similar only it is me behind you and you stay on your front not your back. But the taste of you, the musky smell of you, the shape of you as I kiss and kiss, and the feeling in me is so so real and your climax is beautiful and unashamed and the most lovely and loving thing and I am so happy deliriously happy that at last this has come to pass between us.
When I woke up I cried. I cried a small tear. Thankful I had that remarkable wonderful vivid dream and sad that it was only a part of my eternal fantasy of which I am not ashamed but fearful.